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                   Predictions for 2015
            
           The Legend of 
           “Nostradamus, Jr.”
           continues
 
 
 


“Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s Annual Top 101 Predictions for 2015
 
                              Guest Article by William B. “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher


Reading a slightly chipped 1850’ antique crystal doorknob reduced last year’s accuracy to only 109 percent.  Charlatan seers filling up New Year's Day publications are overjoyed at achieving two percent accuracy. However, I, “Nostradamus Jr.” Kaliher disappointed with my results, drained a quart of Alvin Starkman’s (Mezcal Educational Excursions of Oaxaca) private mescal stock, snuggled up to scantily clad Little Egypt and swore off future predictions. Having neglected to examine my own future little did I know what to expect.

I, Nostradamus Jr., slightly unsteady after four Mason jars of South Carolina deep swamp hootch downed at Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop, lay with my head atop Hope Clark’s latest mystery, Murder on Edisto, innocently passed out on the floor next to James Carville and his dollar tied to a string. The doors burst open and five strange guys barged in.  One with curious wavy hair pulled me about four feet over and said, “You don’t need to be lying there with that reptilian who soiled himself.”

I shook myself and said, “Carville don’t look so odd once you’re snockered. Who’re you guys?”
 
Bad haircut said, “Special Agents from Ancient Aliens. We hear you not only see the future but are in direct contact with ancient Maya and Olmec. We’re filming you this year.”

Mata Hari’s great granddaughter, Lucille, pulled me erect and put a jar of moon in my hand to help me recollect myself. The split-seam skirt exposing pearly full thighs didn’t help my effort at lucidity, “Like hell, I swore off foretelling the future after last year’s failures.”

Bad hair’s stock stood up straighter as shock re-formatted his face, “Failure, Nostradamus Jr.? One hundred nine percent with twelve triple prediction ringing the stake is hardly bad. You owe it to your followers so they can plan their lives another year.”

By then, Lucille’s lilac perfume and scrumptious feminine attributes had diverted my attention. As I leaned in to find out how that lilac scent tasted on her neck the chubby Special Agent summed up the situation: “You know we have some mighty fine-looking young lasses on our filming team. They couldn’t quite make it as actresses in Hollywood.”

Sadly, it slipped my mind how much I’d been enjoying the twelve Egyptian belly dancers perilous curves in recent weeks. Too quickly, I said, “In that case, once again, I, Nostradamus Jr.,” will get buck-arsed naked and venture where even Nostradamus, Sr. never dared go. I’ll astral-project to the home of the Olmecs and capitol of the occult, Catemaco, Mexico, and meet your crew at Seven’s on the malecón next week.

Special Agents from Ancient Aliens, seven high-level Mayan priests, two well-built German lasses and the world champion marble-shooter, among others, found me enjoying a bottle of Sotol at Seven’s the following week. As I stripped down before entering the opaque waters of Laguana Catemaco, the cowardly group stood trembling while holding crucifixes to keep Hillary, eleven members of the Bush family and Brad Pitt at bay. Once in my full nudity, these demons retreated to hell while the two well-built Teutonic lasses tried to distract me from my duties.

After being diverted until compete exhaustion and satisfaction by the scantily clad fraulines, the Mayan priests and I waded into Laguna Catemaco. While treading murky water, my talented toes massaged the stone-cold prehistoric and weirdly-carved stone heads of 101 ancient Olmec statues-- or perhaps it was old rusting car frames-- to bring forth this year's prophesies. Once again, these predictions will allow readers to plan their lives.
 

1. Just when the world thinks President Obama will be brought down by The New York Times finally covering the disaster called Obamacare, George W. Bush will rescue him from the skewer by stepping forward and announcing, “It’s all my fault.”
 
2.  NRA members will keep President Obama confined in the White House during the entire month of February by arming themselves with pork chops, surrounding the grounds and pointing the gnawed bones pistol fashion. 
 
3. CNN will report Elvis Pressley, Jim Croce, Ted Kopple and Amelia Earhart were spotted enjoying a brew at Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop.
 
4. Kim Jong-un will present Hong Kong produced paternity papers and sue Albert Gore over his claim to have fathered the internet.
 
5. George Soros will be hospitalized after receiving a bad kidney from Mahata Patel of East Bengal.
 
6. The world will suffer the exposure of Madonna’s big ol’ good’un three times as she strives to retake the Ms. White Trash title. 
 
7. New Yorkers will protest when New Jersey’s Governor Chris Christy captures the NYC July 4th hot dog eating contest by consuming 114 of Coney Island’s best in under two minutes.
 
8. PETA activists will elect an Irish Setter named Sparkles to a San Francisco city council seat.
 
9. A good fellow will stick Vera Buttra’s sh-ur-T up her arse to the cheers of thousands.
 
10. The Rolling Stones will add new vigor to the group by adding octogenarian, Omar “One-hair” Rodriquez as drummer.
 
11. Al Sharpton will lose his law suit to be named Grand Wizard of the KKK despite proving he alone accounted for seventy-five percent of new members.
 
12.  A good Samaritan will put a price on Flo’s head to spare the American public anymore of her singing commercials.
 
13. Barrack Obama will announce he’s resigning and leaving the White House early in order to join former Congressman Barney Frank on the newly formed Gay Men’s Professional Golf tour where “a hole in one, Double Bogey” and “Fore” will be double entendres and carry different penalties except for touring masochists.
 
14. Candy Crowley will don blackface and appear in commercials as Aunt Jemima. 
 
15. Pre-selected 2016 Republican candidate, Jeb Bush, will take a heart-tugging page from the Democrat party playbook and come out in speeches for orphans; right-handed handicapped people; sunshine, one, two and four eyed negroes; flossing nightly; feeding polar bears non-GMO seals; gentle sea breezes and not kicking your dog so often. 
 
16. Hillary Rodman Clinton will be so outraged at Jeb Bush undercutting her campaign plans, she will immediately begin giving speeches using only her colored voice, including a weekly Spanish speech in her colored voice.
 
17. Next year’s Cheerios will be produced with the hole on the outside. 
 
18. 2015 will reveal the Nov. 2014 smashing victories mean nothing as both parties leadership remains interchangeable.
 
19. Carl Rove, clad in purple bunny slippers, will be elected president of NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association.
 
20. The History Channel 2 will consider employing a tattoo-free host for thirty seconds before rejecting the idea.
 
21. Worldwide medical cost savings will result when hospitals no longer pump stomachs and instead show patients photos or video of the Animal Planet channel’s cat man, figuring it’s sufficiently repulsive to bring up any poisons or foreign objects.
 
22.  In a compromise Barry Obama face will not mar Mt. Rushmore, but his teleprompter will.
 
23. During 2015 one in fourteen Democrats will have enough synapses fire concurrently to realize when:
 
A. James Carvel said he became a Democrat because those voters were easier to fool.
 
B. Richard Stengel, the TIME Magazine editor and Democrat party donor announced Obama as the Person of the Year, he said “The reason why they named Obama Person of the Year is because the no-information voters love the guy… it's remarkable he's worth being Person of the Year, 'cause he's the guy that ended up being able…to get votes from people who don't care about anything and who aren't paying attention…
 
C.  Jonathan Gruber calling the American (Democrat) voter stupid.
 
Those weren’t Conservatives, Libertarians, Right-Wingers or even Republicans calling Democrat voters stupid, but Democrat Party leaders.
 
24. CBS News propagandist and anchor, Scott Pelly will be struck totally blind and poop on live television when a guest mentions the first statue honoring an African-American soldier is a black Confederate troop gracing the Confederate War Memorial in Arlington National Cemetery.  
 
25. A Freedom of Information request will reveal the White House employs a permanent team of eight graphic design artists for the time-consuming work in reducing Michelle Obama’s grandiose derriere enough to fit her publicity photos.
 
26. David Letterman’s comeback will derail when he’s arrested for running naked through Harlem smelling girls’ bicycle seats.
 
27. The Environmental Protection Agency will stall for three months when progressive leadership resorts to fist fighting to resolve whether the highly endangered flea-eating big-buggy cucaracha should be exterminated, or allowed to continue to horrify sensitive tourists and finish consuming Malta’s endangered Mediterranean Speckled Spider webs during the rainy season.
 
28.  On February 26, 2015, Alcoholics Anonymous will gather at the grave of unindicted murderer, Ted Kennedy, and announce a thirteenth step as Teddy celebrates sixty-six months of sobriety.
 
29. A more sympathetic Eric Holder, of Fast & Furious shame, will refrain from murdering Mexicans via illegal arm shipments, and instead, personally pistol whip 3,000 bound Mexicans. 
 
30. Leading leftist scientist, Meryl Streep, the George Washington Carver of apples, will fund a dingle berry study in hopes of feeding a third world nation.
 
31. Former media darling and ever slow-witted Cindi Sheehan will wonder why the mainstream media outlets don’t report her protest of Obama’s North African and Middle East wars, much less provide monthly body counts, while tea party Republicans wonder why the RNC doesn’t broach the subject.
 
32. Ebola will remain the name on the African continent, but will be referred to as Obola in the Americas.
 
33. ABC's most inaccurate reporterette, Kookie Roberts, will slither forth to referee an Indian-leg wrestling contest between illegal alien, President Barry Obama, and Benjamin Netanyahua to decide if Iran should be bombed or if the west should just stick their tongues out at the Ayatollah.
 
34. Due to his deep-seated aversion to people of color, Al Gore will remain in England until President Obama leaves the White House.
 
35. Elite liberals will step-up, cancel oversees vacations, prove their beliefs, and overwhelm inner-cities as new vacation hotspots.
 
36. The Bush family will admit Aleister Crowley fathered Barbara.
 
37. Jerrold Nadler, future President of the North American Man-Boy Love Association, will leave Congress and Chris Christy will resign his governorship to form a professional wrestling tag-team partnership, called “The Fatties.”
 
38.  Barack Obama’s brother, George Obama, will no longer have to survive on a dollar a month as compassionate “Conservative” G. W. Bush will have his inner circle send lonesome George fifty cents a week.
 
39. The New York Times will lead the charge that all Obama’s failures are due to his white half.
 
40. Scatologist Sheryl Crow will announce she's further saving trees and the environment by wiping her arse with recycled corncobs.
 
41. Right-wing groups, ranging from thinking Republicans to Libertarians will have weekly prayer groups that CIA or inner-circle Democrats don’t order a false flag assassination of Barry Obama in an effort to deify him.
 
42. Herpetologist findings will reveal Frill Necked Lizard, Harry Reid, mating with native and introduced reptile species, has resulted in fertile eggs throughout southern Florida.
 
43. Consumers will have the choice of bread sliced the long way this year.
 
44. The sexually deviant and a few normal folks will mourn the passing of Miley Cyrus. Sadly, while vigorously twerking along Rural Route 4 in need of attention, a passing nearsighted Orkin man will mistake her for a nuclear enhanced screwworm and spray the poor thing before it breeds and overruns the neighborhood with gigantic screwworm offspring.
 
45. Profesora Bartrane H. Eubrew Quipenverboten III, MpG, Ph.d, OMG, Dartmouth class of '64, renowned linguist, tricyclist and famed fire-ant foe, will replace America’s national idiot Bob Costas when television CEOs realize Profesora Quipenverboten can actually make more absurd statements.
 
46. Sen. Elizabeth Warren will officially change her first name to Pocahontas, and the Senates opening prayer will be replaced by her doing three-hour Indian chants to tom-tom banging once a month.
 
47. Liberals will feign shock when informed Satan’s more evil son,109 year-old Nazi George Soros, donated more than thirty times as much money for Democrat candidates for the 2014 elections than did the hated Koch brothers—however, the hypocrisy of their complaining won’t sink in.
 
48. Osama bin Laden will be discovered alive and well enjoying crumpets and four o'clock tea on a daily basis with George W., Laura and other Saudi insiders at the Crawford Ranch.
 
49. Area 51 scientists, using Murdock Johsana Johnson’s Theorem 27.8, will back-engineer an alien screw top jar.
 
50. Senator Lindsey Graham, R., SC will find himself in a tight spot and deny he knows, ever saw or heard of John McCain.
 
51. If moderate to conservative Republicans gain control of the RNC, expect Jeb Bush to be the Democrat nominee for President.
 
52.  Due to lack of interest in Obama’s birth place, the London Guardian, realizing the U.S.A. no longer has investigative journalists, will assign young Sherlock Holms VI, to look into the genetics of American politicians.  His first discovery will reveal photos of outgoing Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and new Majority Leader Mitch McConnnell are interchangeable as are their politics and methods of skirting the law to legally rob their countrymen. Genetic testing will reveal these reprobates were identical twins separated at birth.
 
53. The Supreme Court will order the immediate release of noted pedophile, Warren Steed Jeffs, former President of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (once on the top ten most wanted list and convicted of two felony counts of child sexual assault). President Obama will formally apologize to Mr. Jeffs, explaining with both Republican and Democrat elected officials welcoming Moslems into the U.S.A. while not branding that religion a cult indicates Mr. Jeffs did nothing that would be offensive to the Prophet, the religion of peace or Sharia law.
 
54. Vladimir Putin will embarrass the U.S. and prove 98% of American voters are too stupid to be allowed to pick representatives and too lazy to hang media people from telephone poles, when he points out the two most basic questions never answered in the last presidential election:
 
A. When the media exposed Romney for having money banked overseas, no one asked what insider info he knew about the American economy that made that necessary.
 
B. No questions about Obama’s multitude of Social Security cards or missing school records, not to mention his place of birth.
 
55. Urban carnage will have American blacks more upset than whites when police refuse to interact with black criminals lest they be accused of racism.
 
56. Beginning this year liberals will have to lie big time to deny black privilege.
 
57. Kim Jong- un will join Obama to be among the world's most dysfuctional world leaders following “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher on Twitter.
 
58. It will be revealed Democrat party operative, Candy Crowley, left ABC to head a newly formed cheerleading squad for Mars-Bars.
 
59. Chaz Bono, aka. Chaz Boneless, will not only open a chain of tu-tu shops, but will convince duplicitous Desmond Tutu to give up his Archbishopry to model the colorful attire.  
 
60. A lady from Keokuk, Iowa will deny Bill Cosby accosted her but Gloria Allredskin will brand her a liar and betrayer of feminity.
 
61. Despite Republicans taking over both houses of Congress, no liberal Democrats will be removed from management positions in the Republican National Committee.
 
62. Fat-assed Michelle Obama’s so-called nutritious school lunch programs will be countered by a re-energized “Just Say No” program.
 
63. Apple will take on Microsoft in multi-billion dollar law suits as each corporation fights to gain the right to build the “mark-of-the-beast” chip for the New World Order.
 
64. Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann and his seven viewers will continue to prove it’s who you know rather than ratings that keep talentless ignoramuses on television.
 
65. Michael Vick will replace Caesar Milan for two episodes of the “Dog Whisperer” to demonstrate a few alternative and highly unorthodox training methods.
 
66. Vladimir Putin will mention the probability of nuclear war for the fourth time in less than two years, but the media will again keep the information from their viewers.
 
67. There is a fifty percent chance “Sports Illustrated” will do a story on a sport someone is interested in this year.
 
68. Despite rotting in hell, Right-Wingers will hold a moment of silence for shallow liberals who promptly forgot their beloved Stanley “Tookie” Williams, despite thousands of heart-tugging articles and reports; five minutes after his execution ended his use for their agenda.
 
69. Newt Gingrich will be located selling Fuller toilet Brushes door to door in upscale New Jersey neighborhoods.
 
70. PETA will honor Mitch McConnell with its highest award, “The Order of Under-Appreciated Mosquito Larva” when he is flown to Indonesia to provide a blood transfusion to a Komodo Dragon that was badly injured when being sexually degraded by Harry Reid.  The dragon will pull through, but suffer a lifetime from the venereal wart infection Reid gave him.
 
71. Islamic scholar I’bin Bungholed Onetime2many and former Salvation Army tambourine man will host this year’s Oscars and double as the Oscar Meyer weenie boy.
 
72. Often mistaken for a wooden Indian in a suit, scientists will prove John Boehner is actually less lifelike. 
 
73. "Not Our Wombs," NOW, spokeslady, and well-tattooed bull dyke lesbian, Inez I. Lickenpoop, will shock the liberal world when she recognizes the threat of Islam to the gay lifestyle and becomes a tea party Republican.
 
74. Corporations will again fund progressives to hold a new anti-corporate Occupy Wall Street operation.
 
75. Although Nancy Pelosi will refuse minimum wages for employees in her family businesses, she will fight charges concerning her hypocrisy by promising to provide her serfs with a tin of sardines for next Christmas’ bonus.
 
76. PBS, or the welfare agency for unemployable relatives of nationally elected politicians, will run programs investigating little known pharaoh, Ramses XXVII (or Ramses the Insignificant).
 
77. Manmade global warming will fry nine million lefties this winter. All others should dress warm and wear a scarf.
 
78. Al “Alley-Cat” Sharpton, the Right Reverend and Very Fornicating Jesse Jackson, and Reverend “God Damn” Wright will disappoint racist liberals everywhere by showing a modicum of concern over black on white crime.
 
79. Jeb Bush will shuck and jive resembling a colonoscopy patient in search of a bathroom as he confronts questions concerning past Bush family Nazis collaboration as he seeks the presidency.
 
80. Joe Biden will set records as media propagandists are forced to ignore and justify thirteen of his newest racist remarks.
 
81. With the Koch brothers, Wal-Mart, Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, true intellectuals, Thomas Sowell and Rupert Murdock,  a moment for group hate will no longer suffice and liberals will be asked to donate five minutes for their group hate sessions.
 
82. N.Y.’s mayor will request, instead of calling police, citizens contact their local crack-head when facing criminals.
 
83. Improvements will lower the cost of green energy to eight million dollars a watt this year.
 
84. America’s public intellectual and noted moderate, Michael Savage will become popular in San Francisco when he mounts Afro-American Teressa Hines Kerry and her husband what’s-his-face on Union Square during rush hour.
 
85. Caring Liberals, (are there any other kind?) will again fail to discover what evil is preventing tax escape artist, Warren Buffet, from voluntarily and patriotically paying more taxes. Sadly, some will discover his role in preventing the XL pipeline so his transportation holdings can make extra billions.
 
86. Obama’s crime against humanity, making the BP oil spill disaster a hundred fold worse via incompetent management, will pale in comparison to his future mishandling of West Coast earthquakes when his upcoming incompetence mixed with kickback schemes pollute rivers and lakes and threaten more species than his BP fiasco achieved.
 
87. While picking daises G.W. Bush will be eaten by feral hogs specially trained by PETA.
 
88. The government will work overtime containing more information exposing Sandy Hook as a false flag operation.
 
89. Abraham Van Helsing, VI, will be called upon to re-stake Katharine Graham's heart after she claws herself free.
 
90. Democrat Party fact-falsification operation, Snopes, will hire extra help to twist the truth after the new Congress exposes more filth on the administration.
 
91. Indoctrinated Liberals will continue to work for the one percent and deny reality as more evidence exposes the minimum wage as a stealth tax.
 
92. Monica Lewinski and Anthony Weiner’s combination porno-pastry and cigar shop franchises will go public this year.
 
93. Brooklyn N.Y.’s own Giuseppe Finklestine, aka, Mahatma Gandhi, will assume the identity of Mijail Gorbachov and plead with Obama to learn something about capitalism and taxes.
 
94. Ex-mayor Bloomberg will get his wish and opportunity to confront God and be shocked to learn there is no respect of persons and especially of pantywaist whiners such as himself.
 
95. Missouri will add special classes to their school system to teach: When you pull a gun and point it at a cop you are going to get shot regardless of the color of your skin.
 
96. Obama, Holder, Al, Jesse, and DeBlasio will decide the race riots, bloodshed and deaths they stirred up during 2014 weren’t such a good idea.
 
97. Quivering Chris “Fatty” Matthews’ wife will win her divorce suit when the court recognizes she cannot compete with Obama for Fatty’s love and affection.
 
98. Nine out of ten New York Times readers will still be unable to identify any wrong doing by North Carolinas heroic John Edwards and Mike Nifong. 
 
99. Hillary Clinton will again get drunk and have a concussion to avoid testifying on the Benghazi disgrace, before the new Congress.
 
100. Liberals will be confronted with the question: Why was Dickie “Squat” Cheney, former Council on Foreign Relations Director, (link to YouTube Video) A-okay when running Halliburton when Bill Clinton waged war in the Balkans? 
 
101. Michael Moore will author a diet book and point out he lost 100 pounds by farting in the bathtub and biting the bubbles as an appetite suppressor.

Now, Dear Readers, you know how 2015 will unfold, so plan accordingly. “Nostradamus Jr.” Kaliher thanks the staff at Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop, and the regulars for their input with this year’s insights. Little Eva’s curves distracted me, but with the help of freshly distilled white-lightening I persevered in recording the future despite her delightful and abundant distractions.

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Nostradamus, Jr. Kaliher's Annual Top 101 Predictions for 2014


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SARTRE Commentary essay series

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