Neilson ratings report Kaliher’s microwave oven draws three times the audience than CNN’s top-rated show.
2. Americans will worry about Trump’s
stress level when Twitter suspends his account for asserting Hillary Clinton is a woman and did not undergo a sex change.
3. Ohio State will leave the Big Ten and
join the Sky West Football Conference.
4. Americans will
have to check their Thanksgiving meals as it is discovered fat little Anna Navarro was mistaken for an overweight sow and
accidently dressed out and made into a holiday ham.
5. Bigfoot will
be proven real when a confused adolescent male is captured driving a ’66 Olds in Queens, N.Y.
6. Hillary Clinton will launch a new career and earn millions
doing Depends commercials.
7. Mike Pence will
be loaned to the Vatican as acting Pope when the current occupant takes a midwifery course.
8. Science will search for the sucker gene common to religious
believers in doomsayers and Man-made Global Warming devotees – the only currently known difference being the religious
gather on a hill to await the end, whereas the climate dupes don’t know where to gather.
9. China and Russia will seek world peace when Vegas lays 9
to 5 odds that Trump can out crazy Kim-Jong Un.
10. Chelsea’s paternity will lie at
the heart of the Clinton’s divorce.
11. The Democrat party will implode when
polling reveals 44% of illegal voters plan to switch to Trump in the next election.
Studies will reveal that NFL concussions improved brain activity in 23% of players.
13. Several hundred current and past congressional members of both parties will flee
the nation when Trump reopens the remaining Kennedy assassination investigation records.
14. Bill Clinton will make history as the oldest man incarcerated for rape.
15. Madagascar will change its name to “The Sloop John B.”
16. Kato Kalin will reconnect with OJ in a counterfeit sardine
17. An Emory student will be expelled for humming
Jingle Bells during the Christmas season.
18. Tiger Woods will join Tim Tebow as a
minor league baseball player.
19. Hillary Clinton’s next book will
be “Another 400 Excuses for Why I Lost.”
20. Archeologists will prove the sacred feminine
was actually a light-in-the-loafers Cro-Magnon.
21. Monkey molester Jane Goodall will be
caged in the London Zoo for six months to provide another perspective on ape life.
CNN will use the corpse of Larry King to host his old show in a cost cutting move.
23. Zonked out environmentalists will poison Washington’s Japanese Cherry trees
for being an invasive species.
24. PETA will bomb antibiotic-producing laboratories
for their wanton murder of bacteria and other innocent microbes.
Obama will appear in white face when Hollywood casts her as Martha Washington.
The international-corporate media will reward the nation with a six month investigation into Trump’s
27. Pope Frances will be the first Pope excommunicated
while still Pontiff.
28. Nevada’s Bunny Ranch will face
charges for refusing to hire transsexuals.
29. Ancient Aliens will present evidence
the Land of Nod was actually Manhattan Island.
30. Anthony Weiner will change his first
name to Hebrew National.
31. Michelle Obama will shed 43 pounds and
introduce a new fad diet called “School Lunch.”
32. If Joel
Osteen critics are proven correct, he will be humiliated sufficiently to become an honorary member of Congress.
33. Bernie Sanders will admit he cannot operate a lathe.
34. Mexico by Motorcycle: An Adventure Story and Guide by William B. “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s
less serious self will become a best seller in the Atlas Mountains.
Federally-funded scientist Milton P. Milton PhD’s, RQQ, RN, Esq. will spend 2018 determining why
we don’t sharpen pencils from the eraser end.
36. Elvis will be located after 38 years
working as a night baker for Krispy Kreme 8 blocks from Graceland.
Congressman Jarod Nadler, NY, will leave the house to write a bestselling diet book aimed at liberals
who will purchase to avoid being accused of fat shaming.
38. A statue of Barney Fife will be torn
down to protest police brutality.
39. Nostradamus Jr.. will make predictions
on Trump’s cabinet members next year if any of them last long enough to become household names.
40. Flo’s—formerly America’s girlfriend— additional 75 pounds
and loss of commercial work will lead to her law suit against Progressive Insurance based on fat discrimination.
41. After being laughed at for trying to frame Trump,
ABC's most inaccurate and emaciated reporterette, hollow-eyed Kookie Roberts, will return to the morgue.
42. It will be discovered Pocahontas, Jr., aka, Sen. Elizabeth
Warren, self-proclaimed spokesman for the poor, owns yet another multi-million dollar mansion.
43. Satan’s more evil son, 109-year-old Nazi George Soros
will purchases a barely used new Chinese liver for good buddy George Bush 1.
Slow-witted Cindi Sheehan, former left-wing and and mainstream media darling, will be trotted out to
be used again if Trump wars with N. Korea.
scholar I’bin Bungholed Onetime2many will write a thesis explaining why Hillary excusing her rapist hubby was the right
46. Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann
will be recycled by the national media to offer reasons why child sex should be ignored.
47. Bill Ayers will ghostwrite yet another book for disgraced ex-president Barry “Aladdin”
48. Clueless Democrat Party, token Hispanic, Representative
Jim Acosta will embarrass CNN when Sarah Sanders has enough, puts him in a half-nelson and throws him out.
49. Hillary’s mistress Huma Abedin will make a fortune selling
autographed and numbers photos of Carlos Danger’s infamous weenie which she never used.
50. Miley Cyrus’ good ol’ big’un will appear in a remake of “Long
51. The doom enveloping America’s liberal
community will lift when Mr. Hillary Rodman Clinton gives a “I have a dream” speech using her colored voice
and informs the public she wrote the speech for Rev. King.
52. Only Carl Rove will be shocked when Alley
cat Al Sharpton announces he has HIV.
53. The mainstream media will apologize for
their racist comments when they discover Dr. Ben Carson, a leading neurosurgeon, is black.
54. In an attempt to regain a modicum of credibility Albert “Mr. Pasty”
Gore will deny the words “Man made global warming” ever crossed his lips and 97 percent of Democrats will believe
55. An unknown agent will fill crackerjack boxes
with clues linking the Joan Rivers murder mystery to Obama and his gay Moslem connections.
56. On February 26, 2018, twenty-four winos will gather at 1 pm, each drain a bottle
of Mad Dog 20-20 at swimming champ and unindicted murderer, Ted Kennedy’s grave and say, “Teddy boy, how’d
you do it?” as Ted celebrates one-hundred and fourteen months of sobriety.
A photo of Joey Baywhore will be featured next to the word “drivel” in new dictionaries.
58. Polling will prove 99 percent of Democrat voters
are unaware Barack Obama’s brother, George Obama, survives on a dollar a month.
59. Leading leftist scientist, Meryl Streep, the George Washington Carver
of apples, will claim her scientific studies were channeled from Johnny Appleseed himself in sworn testimony before special
caucus of Democrat congressmen and women and selectively selected tri-sexuals working to overcome negative publicity concerning
the Herpes virus.
60. Disgraced traitor Robert Muller will
flee the U.S.A. before his arrest and be made a minor emir in Saudi Arabia as his reward.
61. Overcoming the stench of fecal matter, Abraham Van Helsing,
VI’s, will re-enter Katharine Graham's tomb and drive a second stake through her heart to ensure the debased semi-human
62. Black Lives Matter” will avoid
caring about or doing anything to help black lives yet another year.
Area 51 scientists, using Murdock Johsana Johnson’s Theorem 27.8, will back-engineer an alien anal
64. The liberal world will celebrate when Hillary
Clinton reconstitutes her Bimbo Squad to stalk, threaten, blackmail and further torment Harvey Weinstein’s rape victims.
65. Public intellectual and noted moderate
radio host, Michael Savage, will expose liberal hypocrisy by asking why they didn’t attack Obama for being a textbook
racist when he came down on the side of the black person in every case that caused public notoriety before he had any evidence.
66. Quivering, pasty Chris “Fatty”
Matthews’ psychiatric counseling won’t convince him Trump can’t be in office for three terms and it will
be necessary to have Fatty institutionalized.
Marbles will become an Olympic Sport when it is recognized as the most played sport on earth.
68. It will be claimed someone not working for CNN actually watched
Saturday Night Live.
69. “Sports Illustrated” will
continue to cover obscure sports and wonder why they are a failing magazine.
Prosecutions of FBI, CIA and other Obama administration officials will so overwhelm the prison system
the traitors will have to be imprisoned at Guantanamo.
During 2018 one in fourteen Democrats will have enough synapses fire concurrently to form a coherent
thought for a brief few seconds.
72. Brooklyn N.Y.’s own Giuseppe Finklestine,
formerly known as Mahatma Gandhi, will assume the identity of Colen Crapperneck and boycott the super bowl.
73. Doc Wallock’s info-mercials on Coast to Coast will result
in a decline in listeners.
74. "Not Our Wombs," NOW, spokes
lady, and well-tattooed bull dyke lesbian, Inez I. Lickenpoop, will shock liberals by thanking Trump for slowing down Bill
Clinton’s opportunity to rape.
75. MAD leadership will finally gather the
fortitude to call out Supreme Court Jester Ruth Bladder Ginsberg. Old Ruthie will respond by raising a bottle and announcing,
“I’ll drink to that.”
76. The Democrat
party and CIA-corporate media will fail to stop photos of leftist hedge fund billionaire Jeffrey Epstein and unindicted serial
rapist Bill Clinton engaging in a child sexual abuse.
percent of under- age twenty-five Democrats will awaken and try to enter Trump University in hopes of earning a worthwhile
78. The Bush family will ask Osama bin Laden to leave
the Crawford ranch and move in with the Obama family.
79. The Robert Mueller investigation will
suffer a major setback when he is arrested for shoplifting in a Dollar General.
80. Islamic scholar I’bin Bungholed Onetime2many and former Salvation Army tambourine
man will write a thesis proving the child-molesting Prophet often rode upon a soaring ass and was not himself an actual flying
81. ABC's most laughable reporterette, Kookie Roberts,
will be replaced by Bozo the clown as the network tries to improve their comedic-news show.
82. Herpetologist will decide having Frill Necked Lizard, Harry
Reid and Scarlett Throated Mitch McConnell breed with Komodo Dragons was an error as it increased both the sleaziness and
cunning in the giants’ gene pool.
83. Due to his deep-seated aversion to people
of color, Al Gore and his lily-white security force will avoid visiting his home state another year.
84. The CIA-international corporate media managers will discuss how to fix the fact,
their credibility has fallen so far, not a single one of their propagandists (news show host) is now recognized nationally
as a household name.
85. Al “Alley-Cat” Sharpton,
the Right Reverend and Very Fornicating Jesse Jackson, and Reverend “God Damn” Wright will form a singing trio
named the “Male Supremes.”
86. C. Jonathan Gruber, major Obamacare
developer, who openly called Democrat voters stupid for supporting Obamacare and received millions in kickback money for his
failed website will be among the first crooked liberals to turn state’s evidence.
Vegas will take bets on what loony Democrat politician will be the first to want to impeach Trump for
having the audacity to say Merry Christmas in public.
88. Talentless Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many”
Olbermann’s bolted steel office door will be opened under court order.
89. Satan’s more evil son, 109 year-old Nazi George Soros will undergo emergency
surgery after his liver brought from China suddenly goes bad.
PBS, the welfare agency for unemployable relatives of nationally elected politicians, will work tirelessly
to employ Trump relatives to stave off spending cuts.
91. Federally-funded scientist, Milton P.
Milton PhD’s, Dop., will wander around in a daze with his hockey stick wondering what he should do now that
the government isn’t demanding fake data to prove man-made global warming is real.
92. Super liberal Richard Stengel, Time Magazine editor and Democrat
party donor will finally be asked to explain and expand on his statement that Democrats are low information voters.
93. Unindicted, serial mass murderer Eric Holder, of Fast &
Furious shame, will flee to Nigeria rather than face prosecution for being an accomplice to the murder of over 3,000 Mexicans.
94. PETA activists will demand punishment of those responsible
for the genocide of the small pox virus.
95. Even NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy
Love Association, will be ashamed when it is revealed what Bill and Hillary Clinton did on Orgy Island.
96. Rosie O’Donnell , while unable to fix her looks, will trim off 87 pounds so
she can take up Sumo wrestling.
97. A progressive cult will rise up worshiping
Hubert Humphrey and claim he arose from the dead and walks among us today smiting ugly Republicans. Believers will donate
plenty to their cult but miraculously 85% of the money will end up in Harry Reid’s offshore account.
98. To prove her Indian ancestry con-woman Pocahontas, Jr., aka, Sen. Elizabeth Warren
will don war paint, insist on sitting Indian style in the Senate and take a course in tom-a-hawk throwing.
99. The “Politically Correct” History Channel will
actually fail to produce one historically accurate program during 2018.
100. The president of the NAACP will announce he was unable to find a single Negro both certified and
qualified to identify “racist trees” and is therefore hiring Palm Springs Mayor Robert Moon to drive around the
nation spotting racist trees worthy of a demonstration.
media, attempting to regain any modicum of credibility, will conclude Hillary Clinton cursing out Donna Brazille, and using
the racist name calling, “Buffalo, “ should have been recognized earlier and might have prevented Ms. Brazille’s
untimely suicide before giving her testimony.