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                   Predictions for 2018
           The Legend of 
           “Nostradamus, Jr.”

                   “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s Annual Top 101 Predictions for 2018

                              Guest Article by William B. “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher

Buck-arsed naked after downing a quart jar of bad hootch  slap dab in the middle of Big Earl’s House of Porn and Bait Shoppe, shapely Lucille slipped up close. Oh, lord her endowments felt good. “You finished your predictions yet, Nostradamus, Jr, “she whispered.

Lord have mercy, them predictions hadn’t crossed my mind in months. The whole dang crowd in Big Earl’s knew I was recovering from a three-month binge and were betting if I could pull it off yet again. Lucille, shimmied up and down, weaving them hips enough to hypnotize most mortal men, but not Nostradamus, Jr ,when them annual predictions called. I thought, one night of fun with Little Egypt and twelve imported belly dancers with super-perilous curves and tomorrow I’d go. 

I sobered up at noon and spotted the illegal Mexican bigfoot, Urbroga Gonzalas, up in a large oak tree eating canned sardines and a freshly killed squirrel.  After last year’s predictions Urboga and I had such a celebratory drunk in Catemaco, Mexico, the Federales said “Ya’ll ain’t no stink’n Poncho and Lefty” and warned us not to return for a few years. There was only one option left and I hated to do it this late in the year.  

“Urboga,” I hollered, “come on down and help me load the flat head Ford with moon – we gotta head to Alaska and the snow is already deep in the North Country. “

 We burned oil and ran the border at Climax, Canada. It was tough staying a day ahead of the Mounties heading north. Those Canadian seemed some pissed, probably over the stock of arms we carried. The Mexican Sasquatch turns mean without tequila, and I hid Urbroga’s stock and made him drink hootch. Tell you what; I don’t blame those Mounties for holding back with a liquored-up bigfoot firing at them from our hot running Ford.  It took three days of solid driving fore we crossed back into American territory and met the guide who’d been recommended--an Eskimo named Elvira.

Dang, I was disappointed for I expected a sexy Eskimo but something went wrong and we got a gay Eskimo named Elmer.  Still, he was a dang good guide; you just had to watch him close. When he got too liquored up, he wanted to rub noses, and I feared Urbroga would kill him for Bigfeet ain’t too partial to that type thing.  Still, Elmer got us to the barge on Lake Labarge in a couple of days and we soon found the stove where Sam McGee was cremated.  I located some of his old bones and was soon throwing them to come up with this year’s predictions.

The problem, of course, was getting back. We shot the Alaska, Canadian border at midnight catching the napping Mounties unaware. It was a straight two day drive south to the U.S. border with Urbroga and our new amigo Elmer taking drunken potshots in every direction. I fear the Mounties would have taken us but were laughing too much at a drunken Bigfoot and a limp-wristed Eskimo shooting at them and allowed us to cross the border. 

So, I, Nostradamus Jr., slightly unsteady after four Mason jars of South Carolina deep swamp hootch a day headed south to Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop with Urbroga and Elmer and this year’s predictions. I don’t know what happened but once Elmer had Lucille’s tastily sinful little sister, the lady named Lou rub her body up and down his stiff carcass and rubbed noses with him he went straight. Heck, I preferred the horny little bastard when he was gay but he quickly fit right in with the Big Earl regulars. So safely back from Alaska you, Dear Readers, can again have the information to plan your life.

1.       The Neilson ratings report Kaliher’s microwave oven draws three times the audience than CNN’s top-rated show.

2.       Americans will worry about Trump’s stress level when Twitter suspends his account for asserting Hillary Clinton is a woman and did not undergo a sex change.

3.       Ohio State will leave the Big Ten and join the Sky West Football Conference.

4.       Americans will have to check their Thanksgiving meals as it is discovered fat little Anna Navarro was mistaken for an overweight sow and accidently dressed out and made into a holiday ham.

5.       Bigfoot will be proven real when a confused adolescent male is captured driving a ’66 Olds in Queens, N.Y.

6.       Hillary Clinton will launch a new career and earn millions doing Depends commercials.

7.       Mike Pence will be loaned to the Vatican as acting Pope when the current occupant takes a midwifery course.

8.       Science will search for the sucker gene common to religious believers in doomsayers and Man-made Global Warming devotees – the only currently known difference being the religious gather on a hill to await the end, whereas the climate dupes don’t know where to gather.

9.       China and Russia will seek world peace when Vegas lays 9 to 5 odds that Trump can out crazy Kim-Jong Un.

10.   Chelsea’s paternity will lie at the heart of the Clinton’s divorce.

11.   The Democrat party will implode when polling reveals 44% of illegal voters plan to switch to Trump in the next election.

12.   Studies will reveal that NFL concussions improved brain activity in 23% of players.

13.   Several hundred current and past congressional members of both parties will flee the nation when Trump reopens the remaining Kennedy assassination investigation records.

14.   Bill Clinton will make history as the oldest man incarcerated for rape.

15.   Madagascar will change its name to “The Sloop John B.”

16.    Kato Kalin will reconnect with OJ in a counterfeit sardine swindle.

17.   An Emory student will be expelled for humming Jingle Bells during the Christmas season.

18.   Tiger Woods will join Tim Tebow as a minor league baseball player.

19.   Hillary Clinton’s next book will be “Another 400 Excuses for Why I Lost.”

20.   Archeologists will prove the sacred feminine was actually a light-in-the-loafers Cro-Magnon.

21.   Monkey molester Jane Goodall will be caged in the London Zoo for six months to provide another perspective on ape life.

22.   CNN will use the corpse of Larry King to host his old show in a cost cutting move.

23.   Zonked out environmentalists will poison Washington’s Japanese Cherry trees for being an invasive species.

24.   PETA will bomb antibiotic-producing laboratories for their wanton murder of bacteria and other innocent microbes.

25.   Michelle Obama will appear in white face when Hollywood casts her as Martha Washington.

26.   The international-corporate media will reward the nation with a six month investigation into Trump’s hairpiece.

27.   Pope Frances will be the first Pope excommunicated while still Pontiff.

28.   Nevada’s Bunny Ranch will face charges for refusing to hire transsexuals.

29.   Ancient Aliens will present evidence the Land of Nod was actually Manhattan Island.

30.   Anthony Weiner will change his first name to Hebrew National.

31.   Michelle Obama will shed 43 pounds and introduce a new fad diet called “School Lunch.”

32.   If Joel Osteen critics are proven correct, he will be humiliated sufficiently to become an honorary member of Congress.

33.   Bernie Sanders will admit he cannot operate a lathe.

34.   Mexico by Motorcycle: An Adventure Story and Guide by William B. “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s less serious self will become a best seller in the Atlas Mountains.

35.   Federally-funded scientist Milton P. Milton PhD’s, RQQ, RN, Esq. will spend 2018 determining why we don’t sharpen pencils from the eraser end.

36.   Elvis will be located after 38 years working as a night baker for Krispy Kreme 8 blocks from Graceland.

37.   Congressman Jarod Nadler, NY, will leave the house to write a bestselling diet book aimed at liberals who will purchase to avoid being accused of fat shaming.

38.   A statue of Barney Fife will be torn down to protest police brutality.

39.   Nostradamus Jr.. will make predictions on Trump’s cabinet members next year if any of them last long enough to become household names.

40.   Flo’s—formerly America’s girlfriend— additional 75 pounds and loss of commercial work will lead to her law suit against Progressive Insurance based on fat discrimination.

41.   After being laughed at for trying to frame Trump, ABC's most inaccurate and emaciated reporterette, hollow-eyed Kookie Roberts, will return to the morgue.

42.   It will be discovered Pocahontas, Jr., aka, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, self-proclaimed spokesman for the poor, owns yet another multi-million dollar mansion.

43.   Satan’s more evil son, 109-year-old Nazi George Soros will purchases a barely used new Chinese liver for good buddy George Bush 1.

44.   Slow-witted Cindi Sheehan, former left-wing and and mainstream media darling, will be trotted out to be used again if Trump wars with N. Korea.

45.   Islamic scholar I’bin Bungholed Onetime2many will write a thesis explaining why Hillary excusing her rapist hubby was the right thing.

46.   Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann will be recycled by the national media to offer reasons why child sex should be ignored.

47.   Bill Ayers will ghostwrite yet another book for disgraced ex-president Barry “Aladdin” Obama.

48.   Clueless Democrat Party, token Hispanic, Representative Jim Acosta will embarrass CNN when Sarah  Sanders has enough, puts him in a half-nelson and throws him out.

49.   Hillary’s mistress Huma Abedin will make a fortune selling autographed and numbers photos of Carlos Danger’s infamous weenie which she never used.

50.   Miley Cyrus’ good ol’ big’un will appear in a remake of “Long Dong Silver.”

51.   The doom enveloping America’s liberal community will lift when Mr.  Hillary Rodman Clinton gives a “I have a dream” speech using her colored voice and informs the public she wrote the speech for Rev. King.

52.   Only Carl Rove will be shocked when Alley cat Al Sharpton announces he has HIV.

53.   The mainstream media will apologize for their racist comments when they discover Dr. Ben Carson, a leading neurosurgeon, is black.

54.   In an attempt to regain a modicum of credibility Albert “Mr. Pasty” Gore will deny the words “Man made global warming” ever crossed his lips and 97 percent of Democrats will believe him.

55.   An unknown agent will fill crackerjack boxes with clues linking the Joan Rivers murder mystery to Obama and his gay Moslem connections.

56.   On February 26, 2018, twenty-four winos will gather at 1 pm, each drain a bottle of Mad Dog 20-20 at swimming champ and unindicted murderer, Ted Kennedy’s grave and say, “Teddy boy, how’d you do it?” as Ted celebrates one-hundred and fourteen months of sobriety.

57.   A photo of Joey Baywhore will be featured next to the word “drivel” in new dictionaries.

58.   Polling will prove 99 percent of Democrat voters are unaware Barack Obama’s brother, George Obama, survives on a dollar a month.

59.   Leading leftist scientist, Meryl Streep, the George Washington Carver of apples, will claim her scientific studies were channeled from Johnny Appleseed himself in sworn testimony before special caucus of Democrat congressmen and women and selectively selected tri-sexuals working to overcome negative publicity concerning the Herpes virus.

60.   Disgraced traitor Robert Muller will flee the U.S.A. before his arrest and be made a minor emir in Saudi Arabia as his reward.

61.   Overcoming the stench of fecal matter, Abraham Van Helsing, VI’s, will re-enter Katharine Graham's tomb and drive a second stake through her heart to ensure the debased semi-human stays dormant.

62.   Black Lives Matter” will avoid caring about or doing anything to help black lives yet another year.

63.   Area 51 scientists, using Murdock Johsana Johnson’s Theorem 27.8, will back-engineer an alien anal thermometer.

64.   The liberal world will celebrate when Hillary Clinton reconstitutes her Bimbo Squad to stalk, threaten, blackmail and further torment Harvey Weinstein’s rape victims.

65.   Public intellectual and noted moderate radio host, Michael Savage, will expose liberal hypocrisy by asking why they didn’t attack Obama for being a textbook racist when he came down on the side of the black person in every case that caused public notoriety before he had any evidence.

66.   Quivering, pasty Chris “Fatty” Matthews’ psychiatric counseling won’t convince him Trump can’t be in office for three terms and it will be necessary to have Fatty institutionalized.

67.   Marbles will become an Olympic Sport when it is recognized as the most played sport on earth.

68.   It will be claimed someone not working for CNN actually watched Saturday Night Live.

69.   “Sports Illustrated” will continue to cover obscure sports and wonder why they are a failing magazine.

70.   Prosecutions of FBI, CIA and other Obama administration officials will so overwhelm the prison system the traitors will have to be imprisoned at Guantanamo.

71.   During 2018 one in fourteen Democrats will have enough synapses fire concurrently to form a coherent thought for a brief few seconds.

72.   Brooklyn N.Y.’s own Giuseppe Finklestine, formerly known as Mahatma Gandhi, will assume the identity of Colen Crapperneck and boycott the super bowl.

73.   Doc Wallock’s info-mercials on Coast to Coast will result in a decline in listeners.

74.   "Not Our Wombs," NOW, spokes lady, and well-tattooed bull dyke lesbian, Inez I. Lickenpoop, will shock liberals by thanking Trump for slowing down Bill Clinton’s opportunity to rape.

75.   MAD leadership will finally gather the fortitude to call out Supreme Court Jester Ruth Bladder Ginsberg. Old Ruthie will respond by raising a bottle and announcing, “I’ll drink to that.”

76.   The Democrat party and CIA-corporate media will fail to stop photos of leftist hedge fund billionaire Jeffrey Epstein and unindicted serial rapist Bill Clinton engaging in a child sexual abuse.

77.   Thirty percent of under- age twenty-five Democrats will awaken and try to enter Trump University in hopes of earning a worthwhile diploma.

78.   The Bush family will ask Osama bin Laden to leave the Crawford ranch and move in with the Obama family.

79.   The Robert Mueller investigation will suffer a major setback when he is arrested for shoplifting in a Dollar General.

80.   Islamic scholar I’bin Bungholed Onetime2many and former Salvation Army tambourine man will write a thesis proving the child-molesting Prophet often rode upon a soaring ass and was not himself an actual flying donkey.

81.   ABC's most laughable reporterette, Kookie Roberts, will be replaced by Bozo the clown as the network tries to improve their comedic-news show.

82.   Herpetologist will decide having Frill Necked Lizard, Harry Reid and Scarlett Throated Mitch McConnell breed with Komodo Dragons was an error as it increased both the sleaziness and cunning in the giants’ gene pool.

83.   Due to his deep-seated aversion to people of color, Al Gore and his lily-white security force will avoid visiting his home state another year.

84.   The CIA-international corporate media managers will discuss how to fix the fact, their credibility has fallen so far, not a single one of their propagandists (news show host) is now recognized nationally as a household name.

85.   Al “Alley-Cat” Sharpton, the Right Reverend and Very Fornicating Jesse Jackson, and Reverend “God Damn” Wright will form a singing trio named the “Male Supremes.”

86.    C. Jonathan Gruber, major Obamacare developer, who openly called Democrat voters stupid for supporting Obamacare and received millions in kickback money for his failed website will be among the first crooked liberals to turn state’s evidence.

87.   Vegas will take bets on what loony Democrat politician will be the first to want to impeach Trump for having the audacity to say Merry Christmas in public.

88.   Talentless Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann’s bolted steel office door will be opened under court order.

89.   Satan’s more evil son, 109 year-old Nazi George Soros will undergo emergency surgery after his liver brought from China suddenly goes bad.

90.   PBS, the welfare agency for unemployable relatives of nationally elected politicians, will work tirelessly to employ Trump relatives to stave off spending cuts.

91.   Federally-funded scientist, Milton P. Milton PhD’s, Dop.,  will wander around in a daze with his  hockey stick wondering what he should do now that the government isn’t demanding fake data to prove man-made global warming is real.

92.   Super liberal Richard Stengel, Time Magazine editor and Democrat party donor will finally be asked to explain and expand on his statement that Democrats are low information voters.

93.   Unindicted, serial mass murderer Eric Holder, of Fast & Furious shame, will flee to Nigeria rather than face prosecution for being an accomplice to the murder of over 3,000 Mexicans.

94.   PETA activists will demand punishment of those responsible for the genocide of the small pox virus.

95.   Even NAMBLA, the North American Man Boy Love Association, will be ashamed when it is revealed what Bill and Hillary Clinton did on Orgy Island.

96.   Rosie O’Donnell , while unable to fix her looks, will trim off 87 pounds so she can take up Sumo wrestling.

97.   A progressive cult will rise up worshiping Hubert Humphrey and claim he arose from the dead and walks among us today smiting ugly Republicans. Believers will donate plenty to their cult but miraculously 85% of the money will end up in Harry Reid’s offshore account.

98.   To prove her Indian ancestry con-woman Pocahontas, Jr., aka, Sen. Elizabeth Warren will don war paint, insist on sitting Indian style in the Senate and take a course in tom-a-hawk throwing.

99.   The “Politically Correct” History Channel will actually fail to produce one historically accurate program during 2018.

100.  The president of the NAACP will announce he was unable to find a single Negro both certified and qualified to identify “racist trees” and is therefore hiring Palm Springs Mayor Robert Moon to drive around the nation spotting racist trees worthy of a demonstration. 

101.  The media, attempting to regain any modicum of credibility, will conclude Hillary Clinton cursing out Donna Brazille, and using the racist name calling, “Buffalo, “ should have been recognized earlier and  might have prevented Ms. Brazille’s untimely suicide before giving her testimony.

Well, Dear Readers you have “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s annual predictions and can now plan your life.  Expect them to have their usual rating of 119 percent accurate. Now, I must get back to the deep swamp moon, the shapely lasses and late night carousing until duty calls again.

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