1. Companies will appear that pump
second-hand smoke into people’s homes to improve the health of families.
2. A Japanese sociological study will reveal White Privilege
comes in third behind Black Privilege and number one Elite Liberal Privilege.
3. Arguments over tortilla etiquette will cause a Mexican revolution that
breaks the country into five distinct nations, named: Taco Bell si’, Gringolandia South, Old Mexico, West Alabama and
Land of Palms.
4. In the comeback-from-oblivion
of the year, Tonya Harding will employ a more discrete knee basher and win a special Congressional election in Oregon.
5. Koffee, Koke & MJ’s will replace Starbutt’s
as the favorite place for swells to congregate and look down on the small people.
6. Pigs as pets will become popular among homeowners living
7. The Catholic
Church will consult Jehovah Witness leaders and advertise on Craig’s list in an effort to find a Christian to replace
the International Socialist now holding the Pope position.
8. A Fordham University place kicker will win the 2019 Heisman after making
three field goals by ricocheting the ball off the tight ends helmet.
9. For safety reasons the NFL will further pussify football and reduce player
contact by having the teams suit up, meet at midfield, snarl and growl at each other, then decide the game with a coin flip.
10. Democrat Party Spokeswhore Stormy Daniels will announce,
since she has the highest moral standards among Democrat contenders, and is the only one who knows the Donald intimately she
will run to be the Democrat nominee for President.
11. Scientists and birdwatchers alike will become concerned when aggressive
twelve-pound sparrows become common after breeding near San Francisco’s wastewater plant.
12. Internet video of Jerrold Nadler cutting farts in his
pink bubble bath and biting the gigantic bubbles will make New York Democrats even prouder of their representative.
13. N.Y. City medical authorities will verify the Guinness
Book of World Records entry that Joy Baywhore required multiple surgeries due to the worst rug-burned knees of any previous
woman sucking her way to the top.
Cooper will don child’s water-wings when he squats in two feet of water during his next fake-news hurricane appearance.
Bolton will shave his mustache in a futile attempt to make people quit calling him the military-industrial complexes’
man in Washington.
will apply shock therapy to people who had no problem with, “read my Lips! No new taxes!,” “You can keep
your doctor,” and “I never had sex with that woman,” but claim Trump is a liar in hopes of jump starting
House Members will pressure House Democrats by introducing legislation to allow 350 million illegal Chinese to enter the USA
as they are even poorer than Central American illegals.
18. Mohammed Ali Bubba will become a reformed Moslem, sell his slaves, move
to Macon, Georgia and open a pork barbeque restaurant named Mohammed’s Pork-Land Sty.
19. In one of its saner moves, the new Democrat Congress
will launch an investigation to prove Barron Trump is actually 108 years old and formerly worked as a Auschwitz prison guard.
Their theory will be the evil Trump family is now covering for him.
20. Acme Corp. and NASA will join forces to develop a large
drone carrying clear plastic support straps to continually hover over Barbra Streisand to prevent her snout from dragging
along the ground.
an effort to recover some reputation and prove to the public the pitiful New York Times is not entirely fake news the Times
will run an article stating they recalled their man in Iraq, Baghdad Bob, and can now report American forces, to Saddam’s
chagrin, have defeated the Republican Guard and taken the airport.
22. One fourth the national debt will be retired when the
networks sponsor a pay for view tag-team match between Ivanka “The Slavic Stunner” Trump and Sarah “Snowball”
Palin taking on Hillary Rodham “The Infected Rodent” Clinton and Nancy “Boom-Boom” Pelosi in a no-holds
barred fight to the finish.
international media and uber leftists will go further nuts when North Korea moves closer to the United States and the Great
Leader donning a MAGA hat legally changes his name to Kim Jong-Trump.
24. The Neilson ratings will reveal Kaliher’s microwave
oven draws a larger audience than MSNBC.
25. Fat little Anna Navarro will win Cleveland’s first waddle-thon
in a time of thirteen hours and twenty-nine minutes.
26. Monkey molester Jane Goodall will finally be charged for destroying a
species’ natural progression and fear of humans for all time.
27. Scientists will debate if television bore Larry King
is now alive, and whether he was alive when working for CNN.
28. PETA spokesman and expert dog trainer Michael Vick
will announce PETA will start attacking scientists trying to eradicate the Ebola virus.
29. Pope Frances, the first non-Christian pontiff
will be caught partying hard on tape at Nevada’s Bunny Ranch.
30. Anthony Weiner will do adult only commercials for Ball
Park hot dogs.
by Motorcycle: An Adventure Story and Guide by William B. “Nostradamus,
Jr.” Kaliher’s less serious self will be blamed for causing the black plague centuries ago.
32. Mick Jagger will appear in black face when the Stones release a gospel
album titled “Swing lo.’”
33. Federally-funded scientist Milton P. Milton PhD’s, RQQ, RN, Esq.
will spend 2019 determining why we don’t walk in circles more often.
34. Elvis will be located after hiding out for 39 years
disguised as an Elvis Impersonator.
most inaccurate and emaciated reporterette, hollow-eyed Kookie Roberts, will land a movie part and star as the most realistic
zombie to ever appear in any previous zombie movie.
more evil son, 109-year-old Nazi George Soros, will purchase future organs to keep him alive from starving Venezuelans since
socialism brought the cost of organs to new lows.
37. Barefooted and half naked, slow-witted Cindi Sheehan will be discovered wandering snow covered New York streets mumbling,
“Where are my liberal friends now?”
party insiders will spend the year trying to figure out how to defeat Mitch McConnell, by overcoming his Democrat Party support.
scholar I’bin Bungholed Onetime2many will write a thesis explaining why it is right the POUND ME TOO HYPOCRITES support
Islam and Sharia law.
an attempt to keep the media off balance Trump will change cabinet members at an ever more rapid rate.
41. Only Carl Rove will be shocked when the media finally
admits “Alley Cat” Al Sharpton
is a major league tax cheat.
42. On February 26, 2019, nine Irish drunks will gather
at 1 pm, and each drain a quart of Wild Turkey in honor of swimming champ and unindicted murderer, Ted Kennedy at his grave
and ask, “Teddy boy, how’d you do it?” as Ted celebrates one-hundred and thirty-six months of sobriety.
43. Area 51 scientists, using Murdock Johsana Johnson’s
Theorem 27.8, will back-engineer an alien thimble.
the nation over the Second Amendment Mr. Trump will appear dressed as Roy Rodgers.
an effort to recover her fake minority status Elizabeth Warren will first claim she is 1/16th hottentot. When that
fails she will claim she’s the world’s tallest albino pygmy which will be accepted as truthful by liberal sycophants
who can’t see people without seeing race.
46. Leading leftist scientist, Meryl Streep, the George Washington Carver
of apples, will claim her scientific studies prove newly active volcano activity in Antarctica has nothing to do with the
minor melting and calving there.
47. Ancient Aliens will present evidence a statue of Barney Fife was worshipped during Egypt’s
“One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann will remain the most admired pervert by low-info and low-life Democrats.
49. Oil billionaire Albert “Mr. Pasty” Gore
will produce a documentary warning of the dangers of “Man Made Pancakes. America’s snowflakes will immediately
demand breakfast restaurants quit selling pancakes or shut down.
will honor Democrat voters by putting one of their own on the new twenty dollar bill—yes, Mr. Potato Head.
Van Helsing, VI, will report George Soros removed the state from Katharine Graham and she escaped her tomb and is again debasing
the most innocent.
Studios will be refused permission to film the Romanovs return to the Kremlin.
53. Failing leftwing magazine Sports Illustrated will follow
up on honoring fraudulent Christine Blasley Ford by recognizing Jodi Arias for having prevented a traffic infraction in the
year 3032 by having savagely taken out her boyfriend.
54. Investigating the Steel Dossier and associated criminal FBI agents will
reveal Hillary Clinton was more twisted than anyone knew. Not only did she have the false Dossier introduced as a criminal
fraud on the courts but tried to get away with personally debasing one of the many men who beat her during her sad existence.
Hillary donned a Rubber Donald Trump mask, entered the Moscow hotel and personally urinated over Obama’s bed from a
particularly ugly and vulgar angle to blame the sprinkle on Trump.
55. In a failed attempt to make priest and preacher sex
abuse more palpable Father Ivan “Fingers” McGurski will launch a Catholic Legal Defense Fund.” But, his
slogan “What’s an occasional diddle between Pals?,” will be counterproductive.
56. The world’s record holder for total facelifts,
Nancy Pelosi, will once again sport the best rack of any Speaker since the creation of the nation.
57. Mr. Trump will address the nation on the
coldest July day as a requiem is held for the death of Man Made Global Warming, Global Warming and although 30 years late
for oil tycoon and wooden Indian Albert Gore.
58. Feeling embolden by the House Democrats refusal to protect the border
Osama bin Laden will openly walk about
the Crawford ranch.
59. ABC's most laughable reporterette, Kookie Roberts,
will claim she formerly known as Twiggy.
60. Robert “Robbie the Rat” Mueller, famous
for knowingly leaving innocent men in prison, will be indicted for his part in the murder of “Whitey” Bulger.
“Robbie the Rat’s” defense is he was busy determining if it was Hillary’s urine on the Moscow bed
61. Due to his firm belief the Prophet soared about on
a flying donkey Islamic scholar I’bin Bungholed Onetime2many and former Salvation Army tambourine man will be elevated
to a position of prominence in the POUND ME TOO HYPOCRITES movement.
more evil son, 111 year-old Nazi George Soros will be extradited to Israel to be tried for his crimes against humanity but
Democrat leadership will see the swine escapes to Sudan where he will continue market manipulation to harm middle class citizens.
the welfare agency for unemployable relatives of national politicians, has so far left they will hire ex-USSR KBG agents to
represent what to them would be a conservative view.
64. Federally-funded scientist, Milton P. Milton PhD’s, Dop, will claim
dropping worldwide temperatures are the result of a vast rightwing conspiracy to disprove man-made global warming.
65. The media, will continue to avoid branding Hillary Clinton as racist for calling Donna
Brazille, “Buffalo.“ Ms. Brazile will remain so terrified of the Clinton’s she will claim she gets off on
being called Buffalo.
the top politically correct stupidly in the new year Uncle Ben will be demoted and replaced by Tio Juan’s White Rice.
race hustlers will back off on reparation demands when CPAs’ determine due to past welfare and special race based payoffs
white liberals and black activists owe far more to the nation than what they are demanding.
68. Rosie O’Donnell , will lose 114 pounds so she
can play Jake LaMotta in a remake of Raging Bull.
69. CNN’s token minority Hispanic, Jim Acosta will further embarrass
CNN by upgrading to a better media position when he is employed as a carnival barker and appears wearing a shiny read nose.
70. The swamp will really roil over when Trump nationalizes
the Kentucky National Guard to oversee random citizens do a walk through and inventory of Ft. Knox.
71. In Robbie “the Rat” Mueller’s never
ending inquisition he will resort to randomly subpoenaing people named Smith.
72. Ever quivering, pasty Chris “Porky Pig”
Matthews’ will suffer physical harm after taking his own rectal temperature 37 time while under the influence.
73. In a desperate attempt to reclaim her Indian heritage,
questionably elected Sen. Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren will force Massachusetts Public Broadcasting to let her
deliver a four hour speech in her native lingo. Despite the state’s low information voters sitting enthralled during
the babbling, linguists will state after the first fifteen minutes of poor pig-Latin the remaining gibberish failed to be
any recognizable language.
conservative think tank will torment snowflakes and other liberal perverts by claiming they identified and are keeping secret
19 new genders the leftist world failed to recognize and continues to abuse in their ignorance.
75. Miley Cyrus’ will release a song titled “My good ol’
big’n is better than Huma Abedin’s
big ol’ good’n.”
76. Left wing propaganda journal posing as “Sports
Illustrated” already failing will completely fold when their remaining profitable issue, the sex edition, featuring
girls in swimsuits crashes after they add transsexuals as cover girls.
intellectual, noted classical liberal, radio host, Michael Savage, will expose modern liberal hypocrisy by asking why the
POUND ME TOO HYPOCRITIES didn’t oppose democrat rapists and abusers of women and children during the last elections?
president of the NAACP will announce as far as he is concerned “racist trees” can only be spotted by Palm Springs
Mayor Robert Moon which indicates Afro-Americans can now safely stand in the shade.
79. More Antarctica government secrets will be revealed
by the independent media. Why John Kerry and Newt Gingrich were sent there won’t yet be revealed.
80. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s lack of knowledge will make her exhibit number one for
defunding public education.
81. A review of Leonardo De Vinci’s papers will reveal a never before translated scrap
of paper, “Voto Repubblicano.”
corporations experiments to invent carton-less milk will result in more spilled milk.
83. An illegal will capture democrat party operative Christine
Blasey Ford but finding her too repulsive to rape will only diddle with her you know what. Police won’t bother following
up when she reports the crime based on her previous false sexual abuse testimony.
84. Reported missing by his single viewer police will break
into talentless Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann’s bolted steel office door to find it empty.
A search for the rumored pervert will not ensue.
“Politically Correct” History Channel will actually produce a program claiming Africans were China’s original
ME TOO hypocrites will cheer Hillary Clinton
for reconstituting her Bimbo Squad to stalk, threaten and blackmail any woman reporting being violated by an illegal alien.
87. "Not Our Wombs," NOW, spokes lady, and well-tattooed
bull dyke lesbian, Inez I. Lickenpoop, will Walk Away because democrats supported rapists and abusers in the last mid-term
fake news media will inadvertently mention Democrat leftist hedge fund billionaire Jeffrey Epstein and unindicted serial rapist
Bill Clinton engaging in
child sex. Sadly, only one democrat voter in thirty will absorb
enough of the story to be curious.
to his deep-seated aversion to people of color, racist Al Gore and his lily-white security force will avoid visiting the United
States for yet another year.
prosecution for treason Anthony Weiner will attempt to earn money by introducing “Carlos Danger’s infamous weenie” trading cards. Sadly for Mr. Weiner
there won’t be enough gay customers purchasing to even cover the expense of making the trading cards much less pay attorney fees.
91. Al “Alley-Cat” Sharpton, the Right Reverend and Very Fornicating
Jesse Jackson, and Reverend “God Damn” Wright won’t know who to turn to when the makers of Brown Sugar refuse
to pay hush money for using “brown” in their product name.
92. Unindicted, serial mass murderer Eric Holder, of Fast & Furious shame,
will be arrested and charged for planning the next school mass shooting while out of office.
93. PETA activists will stage a nude sit-in to protest mosquito eradication
programs eight miles north of the Dismal Swamp. Police won’t need to break up the PETA activists as a mosquito
swarm will educate the loons on insect life.
a heart breaking moment for herpetologist this spring, Scarlett Throated Mitch McConnell will be spotted sunning on a warm rock while
emitting a lonely mating call for Frill Necked Lizard, Harry Reid to return to their love nest.
95. Political Scientists and Geneticists will determine
a thimble has far too much volume to hold the political beliefs and wisdom of LeBron James. They see no reason to waste so
much space and suggest cutting the top two-thirds of a 22 cal. shell off. The reduced shell would contain his collective thoughts
and still provide plenty of extra room for the thoughts and wisdom of a dozen more liberals.
96. Brooklyn, N.Y.’s own Giuseppe Finklestine, aka.
Mahatma Gandhi, will adopt a female persona and become the first male Rockette.
97. Supreme Court Jester Ruth “the Bladder” Ginsberg will be
unable to fix her next DUI arrest. However, Democrats will claim it is inclusive to have a mentally impaired alcoholic
representing the people.
international corporate media will have to work hard to come up with a new the-sky-is-falling to raise leftwing sucker’s
hysteria in 2019 but they believe they can top American dolts fear of Manmade Global Warming and plastic tracking down and
chocking wildlife to death.
will be actual suicides among liberals when they discover not only does Melania Trump speak seven more languages than Michael
Obama but her Eubonics is far superior to either Obama.
100. Sen. Blumenthal, known as a low life turd for bragging about his Vietnam exploits when he was never there will size
up his democrat voting bloc and convince them he was once in the secret space program and was the first human to walk on Mars.
The corporate media will ensure low information voters don’t question his assertion.
101. Those under forty will be exposed to Sophia Warren and wonder why their
generation of Hollywood stars lacks any sex goddesses.