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                   “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher’s Annual Top 101 Predictions for 2014

                              Guest Article by William B. “Nostradamus, Jr.” Kaliher


Reading an upside down goldfish bowl reduced my success rate to only 109 percent accuracy. Therefore, I, “Nostradamus Jr.” Kaliher have returned to gazing into a crystal doorknob this year. Charlatan seers filling up most New Year's Day publications are overjoyed at achieving two percent accuracy. However, despite a 100-plus percent accuracy, I will go to extraordinary lengths this year to produce at least twelve triple predictions.

I, Nostradamus Jr., slightly unsteady after four bottles of South Carolina deep swamp hootch downed at Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop considered where best to search for this year's predictions.  I stepped over James Carville. He'd walked in dragging a dollar tied to a string before soiling himself and going to sleep on the floor during his first mason jar of corn. I needed to consult with the twelve Egyptian belly dancers as well as admire their perilous curves. After a quick discussion, I, Nostradamus Jr.,” got buck-assed naked and ventured where even Nostradamus, Sr. never dared go. I astral-projected to the home of the Olmecs and capitol of the occult, Catemaco, Mexico.

 Seven mid-level Mayan priests, two well-built lasses and the world champion marble-shooter awaited my arrival. They stood trembling while holding a crucifix to keep Hillary, G.W. Bush and Brad Pitt at bay. On my arrival, the three demons retreated to hell while the two well-built lasses tried to distract me from my duties.

After being diverted several times and satisfied by the scantily clad lasses, the Mayan priests and I waded into Laguna Catemaco. While treading murky water, my talented toes massaged the stone-cold stone heads of 101 ancient statues to bring forth this year's prophesies. Once again, these predictions will allow readers to plan their lives.

1.      Synchronized sleeping will be the newest Olympic sport. Pre-Olympic trials will keep an audience of Bush Republicans and Democrat voters entranced.

2.      A chartreuse UFO will land on White House Lawn. Once Ultra-commander Swatzo Zeno sees the leader of the free world, he'll take the world’s supply of sham-Wows and give up on the planet.

3.      The Grand Wizard will reveal allied neo-KKK’ers stole the election from Allen West and award them the Simon Legree statue.

4.      The Graphic Design Award of the Year will go to the Vogue team for the time-consuming work they did in reducing Michele Obama’s grandiose derriere enough to fit her photo on the front cover.

5.      Philosophers will debate if Adolph Hitler would be proud or sad that a black individual picked up his mantle in re-establishing National Socialism as a governmental form.

6.      David Letterman, the white Arsenio Hall of late night television hosts, will be involved in an embarrassing hair-pulling, high-heel swinging fight with Conan O’Brien over who's the fifth best late-night host.

7.      The Environmental Protection Agency will recommend a nuclear strike on the island nation of Malta for building a foot-bridge where the endangered Mediterranean Speckled Flea nests during rainy years.

8.      Illegal alien, President Obama, will offer to Indian-leg wrestle Benjamin Netanyahua over the decision to bomb Iran.

9.      The failure of the Maya prediction of the end of the world will be explained when it is learned Harvard University's, Professor I.C. McGoo, mistakenly read a broken ceramic shingle from Home Depot instead of a pottery fragment.

10.  A new danger this year will be Progressive heads unexpectedly exploding. Study of the syndrome will reveal after mistakenly reading a reputable publication, damaged and unused synapses in Progressives will heal sufficiently to realize even after six years imitating a president, Obama's resume and accomplishments still don't measure up to superwoman Sarah Palin.

11.  ABC's Kookie Roberts will slither forth this year to reclaim her place as the most inaccurate reporterette.

12.  National idiot Bob Costas will publically appear in blackface and falsies as the lead singer in an attempt to resurrect the Supremes.

13.  Profesora Bartrane H. Eubrew Quipenverboten III, MpG, Ph.d, OMG Dartmouth class of '64, renowned linguist & tricyclist, will host, under U.N. auspices, the first International fire-ant conference. Despite being the only partial human to speak FireAntien, Profesora Quipenverboten will draw 900 attendees from PETA. Universities will divert tax payer funds to underwrite attendee costs for the $1,700 three day conference. National Geographic, Animal Planet and the major networks will cover the first of its kind inter-species symposium.

14.  Communist Mijail Gorbachov will be recognized as more enlightened than Abraham Lincoln for allowing bullied states to secede.

15.  Bigfoot research will switch into high gear when seven NFL teams send scouts to locate defensive linemen.

16.  The brain behind Nigerian Internet conmen will be revealed to be duplicitous Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa.

17.  The Academy Awards will be sued by the ACLU sued as last year’s overwhelming film favorite, pro-woman and anti-slavery video, The Innocence of Moslems, wasn’t included for the awards. Widely recognized as the most influential, Obama White House promoted and successful movie/documentary with sure-fire winners in the best director, Nakoula Basseley Nakoula, actor and actress categories in the past three decades, the Academy will claim it wasn’t considered as other films wouldn’t have had a fair chance.

18.  The original Birthers, the Hillary Clinton camp, will feed more information to their front man Donald Trump to find the grave of the real Barry Bin Hussein Obama who was born dead.

19. A Hollywood studio will produce a gay version of Conan the Barbarian, featuring Chaz Bono, aka. Chaz Boneless, as the chubby but fearless warrior.

20. Quivering Chris “Fatty” Matthews, will admit the Obama administration is the most corrupt in American history, but insist Obama is so sexy it's no wonder the media overlooked his failures.

21. On February 26, 2014, the Kennedy clan will gather at Teddy's grave and gasp in wonder as the unindicted murderer celebrates fifty=four months of sobriety.

22. President Obama will make his first real presidential decision when herpetologists recommend he nuke the Everglades and south Florida. Their findings will reveal after Frill Necked Lizard, Harry Reid, mated with native and introduced reptile species, he laid fertile eggs throughout southern Florida.

23. American clown and inadequate male, Charlie Sheen will attempt to re-launch his career by appearing in a cabaret with Pee Wee Herman, Bo-peep Johnson and Barney Frank.

23. Facing questioning on her failures concerning the Benghazi disgrace America’s favorite crone, H. Rodham Clinton, will harken back to her infamous Selma days, and employ her “colored voice” in an effort to claim the Senators questioning her are racist.

24. The Saudi Royal family, in an effort to break ties with the Bush family, will release more information proving Aleister Crowley fathered Barbara Bush.

25. Newt Gingrich will change parties and be re-elected to the House as a Congressman from New Jersey.

26. Despite an exhaustive search, the person with enough understanding of empathy in the Obama administration, who told him to fake crying over the Connecticut school shootings will not be identified.

27.  Eric Holder's, of Fast & Furious shame, next false flag operation in Mexico will involve sending the drug cartels 15,000 automatic rifles as well as an undetermined amount of anti-personnel and anti-tank weaponry.

28. Richard Hoagland will lose ten thousand dollars betting he can do a fifteen-minute presentation without name dropping.

29. Keith “One-Enema-Too-Many” Olbermann's televised marriage to Anderson “One-Enema-Too-Few” Cooper will give Jerry Springer his highest freak show rating in three years.

30.  The leftist media, in further desperate attempts to besmirch George Zimmerman for killing a vile gang-banger, will show photos of an unarmed six-month-old Trayvon Martin in a crib.

31. A special Chinese Psychological Unit will study the USA to determine how a society allows its most racist members to designate others as racist.

32. Barbara Walters' How to Reach the Top From Flat on Your Back will be this year's best selling non-fiction title.

33. The New York Times will set the pace for the left by giving up on further attempts to smear people as racists for using “Obamacare” and instead report the white half of Obama is responsible for Obamacare.

34. Communist Jerrold Nadler, future President of, the North American Man-Boy Love Association, will leave Congress to pursue a career in polo at Penn State.

35. I-40 truckers will catch former mainstream media journalist, Katie Couric, stripping in her new profession at Gerry's Pussy-Cat Club east of Memphis, with other lesser-known and equally disgraced former journalists Candi Blomybelt, Sindi Allday and Dani Rathernot serving cowboys who might wander in from Brokenback Mount.

36. Republicans will refer to quaking John Boehner as J. Boner during 2014.

37. Monica Lewinski will partner with Anthony Weiner in franchising a chain of combination porno-pastry and cigar shops.

38. Massachusetts students will be forced to forego gay-indoctrination classes until they learn to sing One Little Indian, Two Little Indians... in honor of their in'jun Senator.

39. Progressives and their lackeys will fail to understand why Conservatives find it hilarious the anti-corporate Occupy Wall Street operation was underwritten by corporate offices on Wall Street.

40. After studying liberal/progressive denial of Barack Obama’s brother, George Obama, surviving on a dollar a month, Russian scientists will determine Pavlov's dog's had more intelligence, curiosity and reasoning ability than neo-Liberal Americans.

41. Amazingly, a reader of the New York Times will have a thought and ask the editor why they quit covering North Carolinas heroic John Edwards and Mike Nifong.

42. Jonathan Swift's identification and fairly accurate description of the moons around Mars 150-plus years before they could seen by telescope will become important this year and expose the secret space program.

43. Abraham Van Helsing, VI, will report a White House employee removed the stake through Katharine Graham's heart, allowing her to roam free.

44. Illegal alien and famed American clown, Barack Hussein Obama, will handle the Iranian nuclear crisis by sending Chicago Community Organizers, commanded by dingle-berry-eating Janeane Garofalo, to pow-wow with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

45. When Hillary Clinton finally sobers up and recovers from her, (ha-ha-hee-hee-hee), concussion to testify concerning the Benghazi disgrace, she will claim the failure was because her security man, Craig Livingston, of Filegate fame, wasn't on the job.

46. Liberal/Progressive/Democrats will be so embarrassed over being played for fools and buying snake oil salesman Albert “Carbon Footprint” Gore's “man-made Global Warming” farce; he will no longer feel safe in England.

47. The American Psychological Association will determine Bill Clinton sticking cigars up Monica's rectum was normal. Had he used Swisher Sweets, it would indicate bisexually which would be hyper-normal in their world.

48. It will be revealed Chucky “Sanctimonious” Schumer, Democrat, N.Y., suffered bouts of depression because 193 fellow Progressives beat him for television face time to decry the second amendment before the blood dried after the Connecticut school shootings.

49. Barbara Streisand will play the leading man in a movie titled  Karl Malden's Life Story.

50. Polls will indicate Global Warming, Osama bin Laden's death, and Piltdown man are the biggest worldwide hoaxes in that order.

51. Chinese diplomats will defend North Korea and the sanity of former leader and world class golfer, Kim Jong Il and his son Kim Jong-un, explaining, "With Obama in office the Jong's aren't the craziest leaders around. They're actually reasonable and stable in comparison."

52. “Sports Illustrated” will go digital this year due to its failure to lure gay sports fans.

53. Tom Harkin's, the Senator ashamed to list his party at his site, latest sequel to his Vietnam lies will be a claim he flew with Oliver and Wilbur Wright.

54. The man responsible for the housing crisis, Barney Frank, will become involved in a love triangle with Joy Baywhore and Dickie “Squat” Cheney, former Council on Foreign Relations Director, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XOAk-7F1EVU.

55. Scatologist Sheryl Crow will announce she's further saving trees and the environment by hiring, Sambo, a little Moslem boy, to wipe her arse with his left hand.

56. Due to his deep-seated aversion to people of color Al Gore will remain in England rather than returning to the USA and being invited to visit the White House.

57. The biggest movie of the year will be a porn film of a jack-booted Hillary Rodman Clinton, wielding a spiked crop while decked out in a Dominatrix uniform, including full SS insignias, riding a cocaine-high Bill Clinton.

58. The State Department will be exposed for releasing travel warning to other nations while ignoring the more overwhelming dangers of cruise ship tours.

59. Comedian Oliver Stone's Unknown History of the United States; will prove more inaccurate than the current version; except for the chapter on his old partner Stan Laurel.

60. Evidence will mount the Connecticut school shootings was another in a long line of false flag operations run by both major parties.

61. Obama will confuse opponents about the tax money his thirty-plus czars take from the poor via the public trough by naming Mijail Gorbachov as the first non-Marxist in the group.

62.  Information on scientific grants to leading leftist scientist, Meryl Streep, the George Washington Carver of apples, will inadvertently expose the total corruption running rampant at the Smithsonian Institution.

63. Avoid the most dangerous 100 yards in the United States: those areas around Ron Paul and Alex Jones:’ http://www.infowars.com/  since Obama, with a nod from Republicans, will give himself permission to use drones to kill American citizens on American soil.

64. In an effort to get back into television, weirdo and former Ginzu salesman, Ted Koppel, will be arrested wearing a Piers Morgan mask while stalking PETA member, Michael Vick, in an effort to further tar the already disgraced Mr. Morgan.

65. Satan’s more evil son,108 year-old Nazi George Soros, will be given command of both Obama's first armed FEMA brown-shirt graduates http://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2012/10/federal-goverment-graduates-first-class-of-homeland-youths/  and their armored personnel detachment.

66. New York Times contortionist, Paul “Sweet Pea” Krugman, already beyond embarrassing his paper, will further humiliate Princeton University when he's unable to identify Adam Smith, Ayn Rand or Milton Friedman during a televised appearance.

67. Adding to his unearned awards, Barry Obama will team with Islamic scholar I’bin Bungholed Onetime2many to write and record a hit song “Arab Spring cha-cha-cha," which will sweep the American Music Awards.

68. The grandson of Johnny "The Celestial Comet" Chung, Johnny "The Shark" Chung, III will gain 3,078 yards for the Nevada Aces during his freshman season.

69. Slow-witted Cindi Sheehan will wonder why the media doesn’t report her protest of Obama picking targets for his drones in a real Pac-Man type game.

70. Area 51 scientists, using Murdock Johsana Johnson’s theorem 27.8, will back-engineer an alien sewing needle. 

71. Democrat Party fact-falsification operation, Snopes, will deny the media quit covering Darfur, homelessness, Club Gitmo and environmental problems after Mr. Obama’s election.

72. Caring Liberals, (are there any other kind?) will band together to discover what evil is preventing tax escape artist Warren Buffet, from voluntarily and patriotically paying more taxes.

73. In an effort to better fool their population, the Castro brothers will send a scientific team to discover how people in a progressive party working to give incarcerated rapists of women and children the vote can be so mentally dull as to think the other party is waging a war on women.

74. Nancy Pelosi's denial of minimum wages for employees in her family businesses will again become an issue as Obama's economic plans turn the recession into depression.

75. The American public will find Larry Sinclair's press conference (http://lybio.net/larry-sinclairs-detailed-allegations-of-drug-use-and-homosexual-sex-with-senator-obama/people/) despite media cover up of Obama’s reputed drug use and homosexual involvement.

76. Michael Moore will quit farting in the bathtub to bite the bubbles and find success modeling adult diapers.

77. Afro-American Teressa Hines Kerry will leave what’s-his-face to be a sex slave to noted moderate Michael Savage.

78. Usain Bolt will average seven deflected passes a game as a NFL defensive back during 2014.

79. Brooklyn, N.Y.’s own Giuseppe Finklestine, aka, Mahatma Gandhi, will assume the identity of Abdul Abulbul Amir and infiltrate Al Qaeda for the Scotsdale, Arizona Boy Scouts.

80. Progressives will quit their war on Christmas when new birth questions force Obama sycophants to claim Barry was born in a manger.

81. Obama's crimes against humanity, by singlehandedly killing more sea life and extinguishing more species than any human in history by making the BP oil spill disaster a hundred fold worse via incompetent management, will pale in comparison to the environmental damage his kickback schemes with green corporations will cause in the nation's rivers and lakes.

82. "Not Our Wombs," NOW, spokeslady, and well-tattooed bull dyke lesbian, Inez I. Lickenpoop, will testify before a Congressional Committee that Hillary's December concussion resulted from them engaging in rough sex involving an industrial water sprinkler and an anatomically incorrect Japanese doll.

83. Al “Alley-Cat” Sharpton, the Right Reverend, and Very Fornicating Jesse Jackson, and Reverend “God Damn” Wright will debate Reverend James David Manning at Madison Square Garden on the merits of ministers not stealing from the congregation or the tax-payer.

84. Rupert Murdock’s butt-boy, Ted Turner, despite new glasses, will mistake Jane for Peter Fonda during a Hollywood fund raiser.

85. Despite photographs and You-tube videos of Osama bin Laden enjoying 4 o'clock tea with George W. and Laura Bush at the Crawford ranch the media will work with the White House to throw doubt on the evidence.

86. Obama will sign an executive order making it legal to water-board Republicans.

87. The DNC will give a special award of merit to John Boehner for his work in passing Democrat legislation.

88. Despite the President's hollow promises; almost all victims of Hurricane Sandy will have electricity by the end of 2014.

89. America's "affirmative action President" will play 208 more rounds of golf than Tiger Woods this year.

90. Michelle Obama will be the first First Lady to appear nude in Playboy. Her spread will be a three-page fold-out so the entire booty can be included.

91. Harry Reid's dementia will become noticeable when he repeatedly refers to America's first 100 percent White-Indian, Senator Elizabeth Warren, as the large squaw, Paleface or Poke-A-Hiney of the Casino Tribe.

92.  By June over half the American population will think Vladimir Putin cares more about American democracy than the administration.

93. If Tebow finally goes to Jacksonville put your money on the Christian Soldiers carrying the Jags to the Super Bowl.

94. Bill Maher will come out but Queer Nation will urge him to re-enter the closet rather than give gays a bad name.

95.  Joe Biden will refer to the Prez using the "N" word and fellow liberals will justify his racist remark by claiming Biden has grown in office.

96.  Some liberal Democrats will be removed from management positions in the Republican National Committee.

97. Reverend "GD" Wright will not kick Obama out of the Down Low Club for delinquent dues. Wright will, however, explain to Obama how the IRS handles tax deductions for black Democrats.

98. Penn State Football will establish guidelines for Obama’s youth corps.

99. Obama’s Hawaiian newspaper birth announcement will still suffice for Bill O’Riley to accept Obama’s citizenship even after Obama’s grandmother written confession she planted the article to assure the certificate would be issued when he and his mother returned from Kenya. Her confession will reveal she had no thought of a presidency but wanted him qualified for future welfare.

100. Barry Obama will set new records funding Green companies, including Alaskan Palm Orchards, Ltd., Arizona Cactus From South Georgia Swampland, Inc., Sliced & Diced Rare Birds of Yet-More Wind Propellers, Corp., owned by friends and political allies.

101. The Black Panthers will expel member Eric Holder after he’s caught in a consensual sex act, involving a corn cobs, with Carl Rove.

Now, Dear Readers, you know how 2014 will unfold, so plan accordingly. “Nostradamus Jr.” Kaliher thanks the staff at Big Earl’s House of Porn & Bait Shop, and the regulars for their input with this year’s insights. Little Eva’s curves distracted me, but with the help of recently distilled white-lightening I persevered in recording the future despite her delightful and abundant distractions.

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SARTRE Commentary essay series

CORPORATOCRACY

Dueling Twins

Global Gulag

Inherent Autonomy

Negotium

Radical Reactionary

Reign of Terror

Solitary Purdah

Strappado Wrack

Totalitarian Collectivism

Varying Verity

View from the Mount



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